The showtimes for the film is October 15th and 16th here in Montreal. For more info: http://www.nouveaucinema.ca/programming_results?search&cid=18
Now...
I'm going to be almost embarrassingly candid about my insecurities and paranoia. Some artists are insecure to the point of total mental breakdown. They question their artistic relevance and creativity. Others are more relaxed and comfortable with their art. I'm surely the former.
You see, I enjoy creating, but sometimes the process is excruciatingly hard. I never think I'm good enough. And when I do, it's years after the fact. I find it strange that some 'artists' aren't tormented like I am. Of course, using the word 'tormented' sounds pretentious, but it's an accurate description of the way I feel. There's NEVER a day that goes by when I don't look in the mirror and think 'you're not good enough'. Being a struggling artist doesn't help either. You sometimes don't get the respect you deserve or NEED. I've never lived off of my art completely. I've never gotten anything handed down to me. All the artistic respect I've gotten was earned to the point of excess. I feel drained most of the time. The frustration makes me a little edgy some days and I have done the cliched 'I get no respect' rant before.
Of course, I'm not original when it comes to artistic struggle. Many artists go through it. I know a lot of them. Some of them even get jealous to the point of disrespecting other fellow artists. (Something I try not to do) Unfortunately, arrogance, insecurity and jealousy surround most artists to some degree. I have all three, but I try to keep them in check. I've gotten better at it over the years, because I've been humbled (and have humbled others) many times. When a fellow artist succeeds in his art, I try to praise him. The only times I've been jealous and arrogant, are the times when I don't respect the artist's work ('Why is he popular and not I?!').
I take my 'art' very seriously because I know that there's a risk of polluting/wasting people's precious time. There's so much bad shit out there that I refuse to be a part of it. If my film/music is bad, it was because I tried my hardest but didn't succeed (in your opinion). You see, I do art for myself, but I feel there's an obligation to entertain whoever is open enough to see/hear it. Sincerity is key. I try to be sincere with everything I do which sometimes is not enough. Which scares me.
For the more 'relaxed' artists, they seem to embrace the whole world and let the universe flow through them. I never understood that. Maybe that's why my favorite artists are usually of the tortured kind. I think the 'tortured' artists tend to use their insecurities as fire. I surely do this. (This is not necessarily healthy, but it makes things interesting most of the time.)
Now, I have new artist insecurities lately:
My film is being shown at the FNC this week. The press will probably attend the screenings. Some will review my film. Many people have loved/praised the film already, but I'm just waiting for the bad reviews cut me down (yes, I'm that cynical). I don't really mind bad reviews if they are respectful and intelligent (constructive criticism), but some tend to aim bellow the belt. This sort of frightens me, for two reasons:
1. Affinity Point is such a personal film that I will feel personally attacked.
2. Affinity Point is an easy target:
- I directed and acted in my first film which can be viewed as egotistical. A vanity project. But in truth, the only reason I gave myself the main role was to make sure that nobody would arrive late or quit halfway during production.
- The budget for the film is ridiculously low. Some might not like the low production value.
- The film is sort of long for a first feature. Again, it could be viewed as egotistical and self-important.
- The acting, sound, image is inconsistent at times.
- The controversial subject matter will turn some people off. (Although, I really do feel I treated the material with maturity and respect)
- My character (and others) is not likable.
Another thing that adds to the stress: Affinity Point is nominated for the Focus award for best Canadian feature. I am honored to be accepted for this award (let alone, being accepted in the FNC) but I can't help but feel like my film is a wedding home movie compared to my competition. Of course, winning an award does not validate your art, but I can't help but feel like an impostor.
Reading this you might think that I've gotten bad reviews before, but you would be mistaken. I've never gotten a bad review in my life. I've also had plenty of great experiences in the past because of my art. It's not all bad. But sometimes I just have to focus on the bad. Which sort of proves how pathetic and hard I am on myself. This is all artist insecurity and fear. I loathe it. But I guess that's what I get for not letting the universe flow through my body.
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